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I just need somewhere to let everything out.

Specific to this, to Lyme disease. I have seen many Lyme blogs and they seem to help others and writing has always been a remedy of sorts for me. I don’t intend to write for other people and I haven’t a clue how people [other than those I give the link to] would stumble upon this…but if [you] someone does that I am not particularly close to, please keep to yourself. I haven’t a clue how to password protect, but while I’m hiding under the ruse of anonymity, should it matter? In truth, I am unlike many of the Lyme patients I seem to read about. I am yet to meet one in real life of course, but still, I am not ready nor do I particularly want exposure. I camouflage myself on a daily basis, wearing normal skins that perpetuate a healthy and jubilant individual. I will smile for you, because that is what you wish to see. That is what I wish to portray. I am not saying I am not ever happy and I am not saying that I am constantly masking my emotions for everyone else’s benefit. I have been called a very “closed book” in terms of my actual relative feelings, ironic considering I have been stereotyped of having the disposition of a free-spirited, self-centered loud mouth. (Yet none of those people actually hear me speak about myself, and with good reason. It is none of their business.)

I’m not saying I don’t wish to promote Lyme disease awareness, because I do, but at the same time I have no desire as me, myself- to be associated with it, or any ailment. Or at least publicly. People tend to treat disease with many sorts of reaction, the most major being misunderstanding. Lyme disease, especially [here in Canada] is particularly controversial, more so than the United States. At least in the United States, well-rounded individuals have at least heard of it. Here, not so much. My province effectively denied its existence in Manitoba for years, until this June, actually. The posters alerting people to stay away from ticks gives a brief description of the disease and simply warns one to “stay away from ticks,” the same way one should stay away from lions or bears. But nothing more. I was always seen as “the sick child,” and some as the hypochondriac, with little or no sympathy from peers and even teachers. I had no diagnosis and never gave any explanation for my many absences throughout middle school and high school. A teacher once told me that what was “making me sick was that I was always stressed out.” I responded to her saying that “you saying this to me is what is stressing me out.” I was twelve.

In many senses, people respond this way because they don’t want to know. They don’t want to be burdened with your dilemma, your ailment. They cannot handle it. It’s odd, because they are not the one who has to suffer through any particular ordeal.  So with everything considering, I keep to myself. It’s my business, my burden, my issue. Random Joe who met me on the street and added me to Facebook does not need to the inner workings of my immune system. I will update those close to me (trust is earned, a privilege, not a right. Personal information is a privilege, how you choose to distribute it is your prerogative.) and still, I will not personally admit to my feelings on a regular basis, if at all. In that sense, I realize I may be to blame for certain friends’ lack of empathy and or understanding. In general, the average person cannot understand. A sheltered person with no real particular strife in their life, even more so. I suppose I could give out this link, and I just may, though the readership of this will without a doubt be incredibly low. If I choose to do so. Maybe. We’ll see.

This most likely will not be like the other Lyme blogs, at least not at first. I will not give an expansive resume on myself and reiterate the notion of “spreading Lyme disease awareness through social media,” because right now, it is not me, nor am I ready for such a thing. I congratulate those who are able to readily admit their disease to just anyone and who take initiative to spread awareness through personal stories (without hiding their face) but that simply is not what I wish to do right now. If anything, someone in my case should be all too ready to announce to the world- hey, I was right. There was something quite wrong with me, and you thought I was a new level of crazy. Now, you, feel bad. I imagine many Lyme patients feel this way, after years of doctors and everybody and their neighbour’s neighbour imagining they were, well, crazy. But that’s not me, anyways. Winnipeg is small, and word travels fast. While I may not even be there at the current moment, it’s surprising how such a thing can make its way around. Considering the lack of knowledge on the subject, I cannot imagine what exactly the reaction would be. Even still, here I wonder what the general reaction would be. Can I catch it? Can I still be around you? It’s an “infection,” right? [Well, sir, unless you plan on drinking my blood…]

So here, now. I will use my first name, because a pseudonym is frankly just confusing and I suppose if some people were to stumble upon this and put two and two together they could potentially discover my ~true~ identity but I realize that most of those who would be troublesome for me would not have such internet literacy to do so. And if one does, well, as mentioned I hope they would use discretion. So this is it. I intend to rant, rave and write solely for myself. I write this now in case I do link, or choose to interact with the Lyme community…or of course, if anyone simply well, finds this. I need a particular sort of log  (Medical log, symptoms, changes, feelings, all that good stuff.) and in this format I can clip things [from the internet] together much easier than if I were using a regular journal.  Plus, my hands begin to hurt after I write too much so there’s that.

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