Tag Archives: backstory

Collective overhaul of the past. Let’s keep it all together for safe-keeping and on the record.

2007-08-13 So I was carried on a stretcher in an ambulance today to the hospital…

Had  anaphylactic shock- or almost there, because my father the doctor just happened to be around and before he called 911 or the EMT’s or whatever, he gave me some claratin which saved me from 100% anaphylactic shock (so my tongue didn’t swell and my throat didn’t close up completely, just swelled. I don’t know though. I personally think a swelled tongue is very attractive. I’m sure had I gone out in public, the boys would have come runnin’). Let’s see, blurred, technicolour vision? (everything looked like an old spiderman run, A+ deena)  Blood shot eyes? Check. Check. Dizziness? Check. Itching? Check. Hives, head to toe? Check.  Stress? Check. Abdominal pain? Check. Shaking? Stress. Irregular heartbeat and blood pressure/hypotension? Check. Angioedema? Check. Can’t breathe? Check. Fear of death? Check.

I don’t even know what would have happened had I not been working at the clinic with my father, a doctor- and had he not given me that claratin. I was in no state to even take it on my own. Being carried into an ambulance and having air tube things stuck on you and being strapped in is clearly the most enjoyable experience. I’ve never felt more sane in my life.

(Actually, while I was like hyperventilating and was unable to see, and had somehow found myself on the stretcher, the first things I did was ask the EMT guys for my ipod. And then I fixed my hair and tried to see if anyone of them were cute. Of course I couldn’t really seethem see them, but you know. I am what I am. And that is one very hormonally charged female, even if I’m having pseudo-anaphylaxis or anaphylaxis or you know, whatever. Since when has a near death experience ever stopped me? Honestly, I’ve had so many Get Out Of Death free cards now at this point I’m wondering if I’m immortal or even a cat. It’s not normal to have survived as many things as I have. Kawasaki, drowning- the list only begins here.)

At the hospital they gave me a Benadryl IM shot and I was rushed as much as possible through, but the system sucks and that still took three hours. Thank god I was knocked out from benadryl so I kept falling asleep. But sleeping in a wheelchair is the most horrid thing ever and I’ll be damned if I don’t wake up tomorrow with my head fallen off or something, because my neck feels like its nearly at that point.

This whole allergy thing is like, accidental suicide really. Your body is essentially killing itself, without your consent. It’s kind of ironic that way. Like being set to self-destruct. You’re reacting to so-called foreign invaders, which, really, aren’t a threat.

The worst part is, I don’t know what I reacted to. It was any day like any other, I was exposed to the same things I’m allergic to (dust, etc) and I didn’t even have breakfast so it wasn’t food. So for all I know, this could happen again tomorrow. Just it won’t be as bad because I’m supposed to take pills everyday now. I’m like the  poster-girl for pharmaceutical companies. Honestly, Rexall or Pfizer or Glaxo-whatever (thanks to my father being a doctor, I even know reps. Oh how I miss the days when it was acceptable for these companies to fly us off to Bermuda for a medical conference, family included) smithkline should fucking pay me for all the representation and business I give them.

I don’t understand why I couldn’t just be allergic to something I can avoid like peanuts or bees like a normal person. No, of course, whatever  I’m allergic to (not including the dust, pollen, mold and other environmental things) they’re invisible.

Oh well, you know. So it goes.

I’ve only been awake for two hours (I woke at nine) and now my schedules all messed. I’m gonna try and sleep.

But you know, other than that, my day was perfectly cheery! Hoorah!

(And no, I did not get my ipod! Damn those EMT guys, so busy trying to save my life, they couldn’t even get it…)

28 NOVEMBER 2008 @ 03:23 PM it could be worse.

I need to always remember this.
It could be worse.
It may hurt to inhale, to breathe.
But at least I’m breathing.
I may not be able to sleep but
at least I’m not set to permanent sleep.
Not anytime soon.
I may have aching and flaming bones
but at least they aren’t brittle just yet.
At least all my cells are in place,
as far as I know
and I’m not having to undergo any
that will make
all my hair fall out
at least
all my joints are connected
the lungs in place where they should be
the heart
only metaphorically

at least.

It could be worse.

Melanoma cystic fibrosis
human immunodeficiency virus
respiratory failure leukemia
Endocardial Fibroelastosis
Tachycardia   Parkinson White

oh wait
I had that last one.

01 AUGUST 2009 @ 02:50 AM

this whole lyme disease thing.
i spell everything wrong and replace words
more and more
i mean that’s not my only problem
but the reality just hit me
i spelled
decision with an i


misspelling them.
second guessing myself.
i forget words all together sometimes.

[i don’t read books anymore
can’t properly sit through
a full hour episode of tv]

me. i used to write like this
I am pressing into myself, in undulation,
in wrinkle and fold and deliberation
this, you, me, him, her and the other
Lysander, Demetrius, Helena, Hermia
A dream, a dream, a dream! In midsummer—-
In my wakefulness, I am cocooning

i dont, anymore.

this, that, there
is why i do not write anymore.

i do not wish to be eecummings.
maybe he at least did it on purpose.

“i would about it and tell you, but i probably wouldnt”


well let us see. i have developed arthritis. i am constantly dizzy nauseated i have night sweats. my left eyelid is drooping, i have eyepain, i see floaters and i am light sensitive. i sleep 14-15 hours a day and am still exhausted. my body constantly aches, i have joint pain and borderline severe asthma. stomach pain, intense. i have possible nerve paralysis, my face might be crooked: bells palsy, sometimes my body parts go numb, my muscles tremor and twitch and my body shakes. sometimes when holding a fork, eating, you can see my hand shaking, the fork and food moving up and down quickly and you will ask me– are you doing that on purpose? and then i will get a mind numbing headache, where i might get so dizzy i cant see straight. i go places and get lost, i will have forgotten why or how i got there. i misplaces and confuse words, mispell. brain fog. memory loss. short term memory, what is that? what, i sent you a text twice? i am so sorry, i didnt realize.

and that is just the beginning. there are over 70 known symptoms for lyme disease. you do not want to know how many i have. you really,

everything about you
if left untreated, everything about you that makes you

will be gone.


Things aren’t great, right now, I guess. They will getting better, I will be strong.

I am being treated for Lyme disease, going home to Winnipeg for the semester and will have to deal with being away from my boyfriend who has been my rock this past year.

I’m going to copy and paste a note I just sent to my close friends on facebook, it’s fairly long but it summarizes my situation for the most part.

Hi guys. I’m sending this by facebook as many of you check this far more than you check your own emails. If you reply, however I’d rather you did it via a personal message as opposed to clicking “reply all” here or whatever. If you can also keep the contents of this message, well, to yourself I guess I would appreciate it as this is pretty personal slash serious and I don’t care for many people to know.

Some of you know (understand) some of this, or all of this, so for those of you that do, sorry it’s so long just to get dates. Sorry if this is the first message you might hear about this and it might be a little bit of a shock.

I just want to clear a few things up  with the people I like enough to tell– because I am tired of answering awkward questions or being told certain things, etc.  I also am not going to sugarcoat anything because we are old enough for you all to realize not everything in the world is happy bunnies and frankly I am getting exasperated some days with people’s commentary.

First off, I am being treated for late stage Lyme disease. I won’t get into all 60 something symptoms I have, but copy and paste this brief generalized summary, if you haven’t paid attention to what I have been saying. –> “Lyme disease can cause horrible muscle and joint pain, severe brain damage, severe nerve damage manifested by loss of feeling in an arm or leg and or horrible pain anywhere in the body.”

(google: “lyme disease late stage http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&safe=off&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=9bs&q=lyme+disease+late+stage&btnG=Search&meta=&aq=f&oq=”)

I am at this point. This is why I am going home for the semester.

Some days I can barely remember what I did within the last five minutes, or can’t even stand up. I’m exhausted twenty-four seven. I have severe headaches and sometimes can’t always see. That’s just the beginning.

I can barely stay up past twelve. I am often asleep by ten. So If I don’t pick up your phone call, or want to go out with because you’re out past ten, please don’t continue to ask me to go out or patronize me because I am asleep early. I know everyone has the best intentions but its also a sign you don’t understand, which I get–but even if you don’t, I’m letting you know, just please don’t My going to bed early is not “abnormal” or excessive because my body cannot always handle being awake so long. So you can see I’m not always “just sick,” and eating vegetables won’t make me better. I know not everyone can fathom- it’s not cancer or terminal right away but the long term effects without treatment at this point can leave a person severely debilitated. You may not see it with me because most only see me for a couple hours during the day at this point, but most likely if you’ve spent over 24 hours with me recently, you’ll notice a few things.

So once again please don’t ask me weird questions about “why” I have become “sick” like I chose to or that I’m just “sick” like I have a cold.

If I’m avoiding talking to you about any of this its generally because you have asked me something weird in the past that I don’t know how to answer cos’, well, no offense but the question is kind of ignorant. It’s ok, we don’t always know any better. But I’m letting you know now. It’s ok to ask me questions, as long as they are within reason. (Aka “why are you sick”–> “how did this happen, do you know? should i google this first then ask instead of making you feel awkward?” is usually better 😉 )
And that’s that.

I will be back on September 7th for my MRI — we are hoping there is no permanent brain damage and that whatever is happening to me now can be solved by treatment– and will be around until at least the 18th. I’ll be flying home and will be back again around October 6th. There is only one trained Lyme disease doctor in all of Canada practicing at the moment and he is in Ontario. This is why I will be flying back and forth, to get treatment here, which Manitoba health must legally pay for. So don’t ask me again “how my parents feel about that” because I don’t know how to answer such an awkward question. My parents are generally OK with me flying to a different province to get treatment because they generally should be….I am not exactly flying in to to have martinis and facials.

I suppose if anyone asks why I am MIA– they might still see me around as I’m supposed to see the specialist every 4-6 weeks so I’ll be popping in and out briefly- just tell them I’m taking summer at the wrong time and umm I’m extremely…wealthy which is why I can fly in and out so often. Or something, heh.

Sorry this is so long but you kids get the point. How or when I will be out depends on how I’m feeling that day– nothing to you, all in how my body feels, and its nothing about “mind over matter”– so if you care enough you will unfortunately have to spend time with me according to that schedule aka usually during the day. Otherwise it’s cool 🙂 Okay I am done, sorry this is so long.

Spirochetes Posted on December 10, 2009

I could not ask for a less sordid past for despite every awful, I, with dirty boots, am still upright. I will not wipe my hands clean. I will not succumb.

Did you know, within me there are hurricanes and diamonds and little tiny spirochetes that herx and ruckus and turn my blood into a flammable liquid, just waiting for a flick of the switch, the match, the fire. Boom. I am barely there and here and everywhere yet I will stand there and smile for you.

Some days I would wake, unable to walk. Only half the days it was by choice.

Did you know did you know my face could be half paralyzed? Frozen in place is the bells palsy, the crooked face, the burning nerves. But if you see it move, if it doesn’t move, if it returns, is itreallytrue? My dear, they say, do you tell the truth? May we borrow some of that blood and see if you burn?

I have a disease. Would you know, would you know?

Inside, from all angles, it tries to weigh me down. Drowning from the inside, self suffocation.

Tick tick tick. Time runs out.


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