Tag Archives: headaches

In the mean time, I am falling apart.

My headaches are getting worse everyday, like how they were last summer. They last for hours and the worse they get, the less coherent I am. I went to the emergency room last year- they thought I was having a stroke. Noise drove me crazy, I was stuttering and slurring my words, my body was numb- and my head, of course, was breaking me apart.

My Lyme Specialist just posed the question- with addition to my eye pain, if I have severe migraines. I am being booked for a nuclear brain scan, and I was prescribed a triptan which I am not even allowed to take yet because the pharmacist has to check if there are serious interactions with my hundreds of other medications. He wondered why no one had considered this before- he once had a lady with similar symptoms. the paralysis, pain, everything, and after the scan, they discovered there was blood flow in only half of her brain.

The numbness I have had in toes, my other hands- some of it is the Lyme, but other issues could potentially be these headaches. I am unsure of what is related.

I don’t know what to do, writing this even hurts, staring, breathing, everything. I have so much work to do, but I actually want to run my head into a truck.

And there are these annoying floaty things in my eye.

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Social grievances.

God, my fucking eye hurts. And do I hate to swear. I’ve been waking up with feels like “medication hangover headaches” but I’m not entirely sure. But they do make me want to curl up in my bed and sleep, for you know, at least a few days. I had my MRI at 2 AM on Friday. I had to cab home- if I had bused, I would have been home at like 5 AM. And then I woke up at 6 AM to sign up for courses. Oh life, you are dear.

The buzzzz, buzz of the MRI, it sounds like nintendo. I got to keep the ear plugs they put inside the giant noise cancelling headphones, and a oh so very attractive hairnet. The earplugs, though, won’t do much for the ringing in my ears. Maybe for my nagging mother, though…(Well, alternatively, I suppose I can just hang up the phone, I can’t imagine how much use ear plugs would be over the telephone anyways…)

—–

My housemate just told me that I’m “so happy all the time.”

I told her that if I wasn’t, I’d kill myself. I was joking. Mostly.

I remember in my first year of university, I used to go to the same food place pretty much every day, so much that I got to know the guys working there by name. (He’s on my facebook, actually.) He told me, Deena, it’s exam time, everyone else comes in with a depressed look on their face- but you, you always come in with a huge smile on your face.

Yeah, well it’s true. I guess. I never really noticed until people started pointing it out.

No, what’s the term- Negative Nancy, Debbie Downer? It’s not even really pretending to be happy, per se. In real life, I try to be positive, at least. I’ll let my worries out here, but it may not reflect how I feel 24/7. That being said, being um, upbeat all the time (well, sometimes it can be tiring when I grit my teeth for the sake of others, but I am genuinely a giddy child, no artificial behaviour there) can mislead people. Just because I don’t look sick doesn’t mean I’m feeling great.

But then people forget. They forget my situation is different, they forget that yeah, sometimes I do need accomodating. They forget why I can’t always interact with everyone in the same way. And they take it personally.

When will they realize- it’s not about them?

It’s made me draw away from them, because really- when I needed them most, they were causing unnecessary problems.

Some holes you really can’t sew back up, no matter how hard you try.

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