Tag Archives: invisible diseases

I hate medication.

I am on a lot, a lot of medication. 10+

I feel like utter shit. There is no other way to describe having a headache for 7+ hours. I feel fucking hungover and I’m getting sick of it. I can only chalk it up to medication, because I’ve felt this way before on days when I properly take my medication and add a tylenol or two to the mix.

And I’m not even abusing, overusing- if anything, I’m not even taking all of my medication but that’s not the cause of the headaches.

I’m just incredibly bitter and grumpy right now and life just doesn’t help, I woke up and late and have been trying to sleep- I missed class and I probably would have fainted on the subway between the headache, dizziness and heat.

It’s 30 degrees out and I would love the beach if I didn’t feel like this and my vision wasn’t so wonky and just, ugh. I just feel overly lethargic and am also a little scared to shower in case I fall over.

I’m trying really hard to be coherent.

I don’t know if I can fake a smile and stop myself from snapping at anyone either, so I’d rather just hide in my hole and curl up in a ball and sulk.

I swear though, if one person tells me today that I wasted my day doing nothing, and that I seem fine I will fucking tear them a new one.

Is it the headache that is making me this irritable, or the medication, or both?

Walk in my fucking shoes. Ugh, if only I could say some of this out loud. (Never mind that I don’t really curse. In general. I must be really out of it.)


From The Healing Journal.

Pills, pills, pills…

FEBRUARY 2, 2010
by Kim Christensen

Breakfast!

There’s my breakfast pill dose.  Not too bad compared to some Lymies out there, only  nine pills!

The hardest thing about pills is the scheduling.  Seriously.  Take some pills with food.  Take some pills on an empty stomach.  Take some pills with certain kinds of foods. Sometimes I’m having a hard time finding time to eat in my pill schedule. No more snacking.  No more mindless eating.  Nope.  Meals are planned.  Pills are planned.  Everything is planned. I have a schedule to maintain.  Sometimes I’ll find myself so hungry, but know that I shouldn’t eat because I need to take my pills on an empty stomach.  Then I choose between pills and food.  I usually choose pills, just because I’m feeling militant.  But of course, I”m losing some weight now.  While that may get me back into my black miniskirt, I don’t necessarily like the whole losing weight like this plan.

Ugh.

In order to make this whole pill organization thing possible, I got some of these snazzy pill organizers.  You know you’re a Lymie when you use a weekly pill organizer for a single day.

I know own 4 of these little beauties, which means I only have to sit down and open all my pill bottles up for refills every four days.  Instead of using one pill organizer for a week, I use it for one day.  Each “day” slot I use for a single serving of pills – when I wake up, with breakfast, midmorning,etc.  It helps me remember what to take at what time of day, and know that all my drugs for that day (with teh exception of liquids and my refrigerated probiotics) are in one place.  Grab and go.  I made a chart of all my pills and what to take when to help me when I’m filling them. .  It has changed my pill life, seriously.  Not having to think about which pills i need when is such a blessing.

I’m finally having Herx reactions.  And the antibiotics are starting to take their toll.  I really felt great for a few weeks, but last week something shifted.  I feel like my adrenals are exhausted (literally, they hurt, and I’m getting dark circles).  The sides of my torso ache under my ribcage. I’m feeling a little flare up of the old bacterial vaginitis/yeast infection again (despite taking Diflucan and loads of probiotics).  My digestion is slowing down, and I feel cold. Ugh.  I’m getting stomach aches after meals again, something that I had let go of quite some time ago.  The chills are dreadful. I feel a weird shaky shiver up my spine and into my neck.  My skin feels like it is crawling.  And I have a searing headache that comes and goes.  My feed hurt. My eyes burn. I feel like I have the flu.

Herx, anyone?

It has only been four weeks!  How am I going to survive taking this for an undetermined amount of time?!

I’m struggling feeling pity for friends who are sick and complaining about body pain or aches. I feel this way EVERYDAY.  I still go to work.  Taking a nap won’t make it go away.  It won’t get better in a couple days.  It will be there tomorrow, and it was here  yesterday. It is here now.  It is here all the time, just in varying degrees of severity. Even a good day has the presence of a weight on my shoulders.  Combined with Seasonal Affective Disorder, my positive spirit is getting a little worn down.  Okay, not too severely, I’m still generally bubbly, despite feeling crappy. But I do feel a bit alone, isolated, and misunderstood by most of the people I see everyday.  And I do feel like holing up in my apartment, siting on my couch, and watching Law & Order SVU on Netflix.


Ah, yes, Kim, I do understand.

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Social grievances.

God, my fucking eye hurts. And do I hate to swear. I’ve been waking up with feels like “medication hangover headaches” but I’m not entirely sure. But they do make me want to curl up in my bed and sleep, for you know, at least a few days. I had my MRI at 2 AM on Friday. I had to cab home- if I had bused, I would have been home at like 5 AM. And then I woke up at 6 AM to sign up for courses. Oh life, you are dear.

The buzzzz, buzz of the MRI, it sounds like nintendo. I got to keep the ear plugs they put inside the giant noise cancelling headphones, and a oh so very attractive hairnet. The earplugs, though, won’t do much for the ringing in my ears. Maybe for my nagging mother, though…(Well, alternatively, I suppose I can just hang up the phone, I can’t imagine how much use ear plugs would be over the telephone anyways…)

—–

My housemate just told me that I’m “so happy all the time.”

I told her that if I wasn’t, I’d kill myself. I was joking. Mostly.

I remember in my first year of university, I used to go to the same food place pretty much every day, so much that I got to know the guys working there by name. (He’s on my facebook, actually.) He told me, Deena, it’s exam time, everyone else comes in with a depressed look on their face- but you, you always come in with a huge smile on your face.

Yeah, well it’s true. I guess. I never really noticed until people started pointing it out.

No, what’s the term- Negative Nancy, Debbie Downer? It’s not even really pretending to be happy, per se. In real life, I try to be positive, at least. I’ll let my worries out here, but it may not reflect how I feel 24/7. That being said, being um, upbeat all the time (well, sometimes it can be tiring when I grit my teeth for the sake of others, but I am genuinely a giddy child, no artificial behaviour there) can mislead people. Just because I don’t look sick doesn’t mean I’m feeling great.

But then people forget. They forget my situation is different, they forget that yeah, sometimes I do need accomodating. They forget why I can’t always interact with everyone in the same way. And they take it personally.

When will they realize- it’s not about them?

It’s made me draw away from them, because really- when I needed them most, they were causing unnecessary problems.

Some holes you really can’t sew back up, no matter how hard you try.

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